Dudes Dress Like Chicks To Get Dudes?

Holy hell. The future is an interesting place. It's a land where sometimes co-workers dress like women and other co-workers try to kiss them and you're able to document it all via a small digital box, only to place it for hilarity's sake on the world wide web.

In spite of the global economic crisis, I used a time travel machine known as "an airplane" and traveled Back to the Past, 'merica. It was a land where I again fell in love with my literacy—only to later be reminded that being illiterate in the future is a nice form of escapism. It's also a land of wispy mullets, mud flaps, women saying "like", people trying to put too much body into their clothes, nauseating strip malls, complete language comprehension, inane questions such as "Are there tomatoes in China (the future)?" and thankfully beer. Lots of sweet, sweet beer.

The Rise of Consumerism in the Future Will Yield Easier Access To Reclusive Reptiles

As you may have imagined consumerism hits rampant levels in the future. You don't even have to leave the comforts of your taxi.

This glorious woman, wanted to sell me a turtle and some steering wheel covers.

Me: How much for that (pointing to the turtle)
Her: 180¥
Me: Too much!
Her: Not too much!

At this point, the cabbie either yelled "roll up the window" or "fucking American". I am not really sure. But he yelled at her a whole bunch and she left.

Then she came back as we were pulling away, hit the car with her hand and yelled "Turtle!"

I miss that weird woman and her wares...

Happy Clown Flowers: The Most Embarassing Job on the Planet or a Reduced Sentence in Purgatory?

One very beautiful past future day, I was walking around my Blade Runner-esque city with a blinding hangover. I'm not proud of it, I just want you to realize how I was feeling when I saw the sight that bicycled past me.

A man in full clown gear in the heat of August delivering flowers dodging traffic sauntered by me looking sad and sweaty.

As he whizzed by on his clown bicycle, I was trying to think how I would explain this sight to anyone. I made up a song that day. It was a very sad song about the trials of a lonely clown in big, big city forced to deliver "Happy Clown Flowers" in dripping face paint and silly, over-sized clown shoes.

Fast forward 6 months into my future and further into yours, I was walking to work when I saw something akin to seeing the Yeti. I spotted the Happy Clown Flowers clown again (I will pretend it was the same man).

The world seemed in slow motion as I reached for my camera and he looked at me as if to say "Hey man, look at me! I'm dressed as a dang clown. And now you gotta be snapping photos of me, probably to put on your blog about living in the future."

I don't know how we read one another so completely.

As elusive as Yeti, his pose was remarkably similar.





I'll never forget about you Happy Clown Flowers clown.

Ignorance More Often Begets Confidence Than Does Knowledge.

That's what this man named Darwin once told my buddy Ryan and Ryan told me, and I think this man would agree.

Next Time I Will Leave Something That Represents Me On My Corner.

This is the view from my street on a miniature model level. When I was younger, I didn't even have the patience to put together a model airplane without gluing my fingers together or without putting it down for a few weeks while I pretended I was Andre Dawson.

I have now discovered my new heroes. A group of dedicated individuals who do something that I never could do, make all of Beijing on a smaller scale.

They are the mad geniuses behind the Beijing Planning Exhibition Hall. At the Hall, you'll find one of my favorite things in modern Beijing, a miniature model of the entire city. And this city is HUGE. Insanely big. To give you an example of the detail they put into this, here is my apartment - yes, the pink one. In real life, it's pink too.



The area of the model is about half of a basketball court. And it's centered in the middle of a room. Where the model stops, it then bleeds into aerial shots of the rest of the city, extending deep into the mountains and countryside. The model is detailed enough to pick out all of the landmarks—the CCTV Tower, the new Olympic Buildings, The Chairman's picture looking out into Tiananmen Square and each building of the Forbidden City is perfectly detailed. However, I didn't notice any smoke spewing factories on the outskirts of the city...



The place also details plans for the city of until 2020. But living in the future is enough of the future for me. I could barely handle the model let alone the future future.

"Looka, Looka! Sir, You Want Buy Shirt?!"

In the future, there is a wall and it's a damn fine wall. The Great Wall is indeed a wall of great proportions. I've seen the Eastern most section, which borders the Yellow Sea, in the never to be returned to city of Qinhuangdao and now I've seen Simatai. It's unrestored and is pretty much left how the Ming Dynasty built it. The only thing changed is that some of its stones have been plundered by local farmers. I asked a Mongolian man what they do with the rocks they steal and he said, "they're for throwing". I know that's one of my favorite uses of stones.



The hike was a lot more difficult than I thought. It was steep and it made me want to drink a beer. Like all good hikes.



And to set the record straight, it cannot be seen from space.

Guilt Free Transportation Begins With Your Feet

In the future, there are loads of rickshaws, especially on your way to work. The proprietors of these rickshaws mean well, they want to provide a simple service for you and in return they expect a nominal amount of money.

Here are some tips to avoid being future-guilted into getting into one of these sullied vessels.

1. Don't look Russian. If you're white in Beijing and walking by the Russian markets, this is going to be hard. I am not about to futuristically slander an entire group of people, but if you don't wear fur, faux leather or sparkly sequence you are on your way to not looking Russian.

But that won't stop them from speaking Russian to you (yes, they speak Russian).

::shiver::

2. Don't walk anywhere near them. You may have to walk miles out of your way, but your tardiness will be understood by most.

3. Get your own rickshaw. Rickshaw drivers very rarely offer rickshaw rides to those already in possession of a rickshaw.

4. Close your eyes while walking (you'll confuse and repel them). You may run into things (i.e. rickshaw drivers) and you may develop chronic pains, but in the end you'll be free of that pungent Rickshaw Smell™.

5. Bring offerings of toothpaste and dental floss. Like water and oil, water and oil...