And He Guarded Nothing From No One.

Open Letter to the Somali Pirates, Pt. II

Hey Guys-

I just wanted to get back to you and see if you got my my message. I am not sure how the high speed is on the ships, but I figured that someone had received it. And I know how clique-y things are between you pirates.

I read some rather disturbing news that really leads me to believe that my verbal and organizational skills could help benefit your missions.

This is what I read, "...three pirates were killed in a shootout among themselves..." Cmon, guys! What are you doing? Listen, your success lives in your non-violent tactics, and that means amongst yourselves too. I don't care who called who's mother a peg-legged hussy or who ate the last bag of Doritos.

I'm just putting it out there again. So if you need to vote at your next Somali Pirate Union meeting, remember "Ryan can unify the cause and further the mission." Also, if any of you swashbucklers have Skype, I can be reached at somali_pirate_rep023.

Good day,
Ryan

How Did This Get Here?

Using a rope a piece of wood to sit on, these brave fellows repel down the side of my building to clean the windows. I was trying to explain to them, that the windows on the 25th floor were still a bit streaky, but they were all like "Hey guy, we're dangling off the roof by a string and some wood, cut us some slack, eh."

I am just saying, that there is something to be said for getting the job done right the first time.

Open Letter to the Somali Pirates

Ahoy hoy-

First, let me start off by saying, I am a huge admirer of your work. The fact that you even exist completely blows my mind. Secondly, I want to tell you that I understand you (as much as anyone from Wisconsin can). I understand your thirst of a time when plundering booty meant something totally different than in the parlance of our times—when people appreciated the thrill of thieving on the high seas. What I like about you guys is that you're not even a dying breed, you're almost extinct and nothing is really known about you.

Some say you fund terrorism (which we'll have to talk about). Some say you're just a bunch of jerks who hang out and wait for vulnerable ships to cruise around the horn. And some people just say "There are STILL pirates? Wait Somali pirates?!"

Your campaigns have been rather successful. I mean, more than two dozen reported ships have been hijacked off of the coast of your country this year. It seems that you're doing okay for yourselves. But...it could be going a bit better.

I have a proposal.

You need a face for your organization. You need a business man. A negotiator. You need someone who is gonna stand for pirate justice. For example, you stole a bunch of tanks and some other weapons that were going to Kenya or Sudan, depending on whom you ask and you ask for $20 million ransom. Your bluff was called and you LOWERED the amount. And your bluff was called again and you LOWERED it again! And again! Guys, this is NOT how ransom works. Pretty soon you'll be settling for a couple lamps and some pocket lint.

I propose that we have a civil meeting with the Somali Pirate Union™ and we'll work out a plan. We'll get you some more PR so that people aren't constantly surprised by your existence and we'll go through some ransom training. Plus we'll get you some proper pirate gear.

Please, take your time. You don't have to answer me right now. But just think it over, put it to a vote and let's promote plundering in the future.

Good day,
Ryan