Next Time I Will Leave Something That Represents Me On My Corner.

This is the view from my street on a miniature model level. When I was younger, I didn't even have the patience to put together a model airplane without gluing my fingers together or without putting it down for a few weeks while I pretended I was Andre Dawson.

I have now discovered my new heroes. A group of dedicated individuals who do something that I never could do, make all of Beijing on a smaller scale.

They are the mad geniuses behind the Beijing Planning Exhibition Hall. At the Hall, you'll find one of my favorite things in modern Beijing, a miniature model of the entire city. And this city is HUGE. Insanely big. To give you an example of the detail they put into this, here is my apartment - yes, the pink one. In real life, it's pink too.



The area of the model is about half of a basketball court. And it's centered in the middle of a room. Where the model stops, it then bleeds into aerial shots of the rest of the city, extending deep into the mountains and countryside. The model is detailed enough to pick out all of the landmarks—the CCTV Tower, the new Olympic Buildings, The Chairman's picture looking out into Tiananmen Square and each building of the Forbidden City is perfectly detailed. However, I didn't notice any smoke spewing factories on the outskirts of the city...



The place also details plans for the city of until 2020. But living in the future is enough of the future for me. I could barely handle the model let alone the future future.

"Looka, Looka! Sir, You Want Buy Shirt?!"

In the future, there is a wall and it's a damn fine wall. The Great Wall is indeed a wall of great proportions. I've seen the Eastern most section, which borders the Yellow Sea, in the never to be returned to city of Qinhuangdao and now I've seen Simatai. It's unrestored and is pretty much left how the Ming Dynasty built it. The only thing changed is that some of its stones have been plundered by local farmers. I asked a Mongolian man what they do with the rocks they steal and he said, "they're for throwing". I know that's one of my favorite uses of stones.



The hike was a lot more difficult than I thought. It was steep and it made me want to drink a beer. Like all good hikes.



And to set the record straight, it cannot be seen from space.

Guilt Free Transportation Begins With Your Feet

In the future, there are loads of rickshaws, especially on your way to work. The proprietors of these rickshaws mean well, they want to provide a simple service for you and in return they expect a nominal amount of money.

Here are some tips to avoid being future-guilted into getting into one of these sullied vessels.

1. Don't look Russian. If you're white in Beijing and walking by the Russian markets, this is going to be hard. I am not about to futuristically slander an entire group of people, but if you don't wear fur, faux leather or sparkly sequence you are on your way to not looking Russian.

But that won't stop them from speaking Russian to you (yes, they speak Russian).

::shiver::

2. Don't walk anywhere near them. You may have to walk miles out of your way, but your tardiness will be understood by most.

3. Get your own rickshaw. Rickshaw drivers very rarely offer rickshaw rides to those already in possession of a rickshaw.

4. Close your eyes while walking (you'll confuse and repel them). You may run into things (i.e. rickshaw drivers) and you may develop chronic pains, but in the end you'll be free of that pungent Rickshaw Smell™.

5. Bring offerings of toothpaste and dental floss. Like water and oil, water and oil...

And He Guarded Nothing From No One.

Open Letter to the Somali Pirates, Pt. II

Hey Guys-

I just wanted to get back to you and see if you got my my message. I am not sure how the high speed is on the ships, but I figured that someone had received it. And I know how clique-y things are between you pirates.

I read some rather disturbing news that really leads me to believe that my verbal and organizational skills could help benefit your missions.

This is what I read, "...three pirates were killed in a shootout among themselves..." Cmon, guys! What are you doing? Listen, your success lives in your non-violent tactics, and that means amongst yourselves too. I don't care who called who's mother a peg-legged hussy or who ate the last bag of Doritos.

I'm just putting it out there again. So if you need to vote at your next Somali Pirate Union meeting, remember "Ryan can unify the cause and further the mission." Also, if any of you swashbucklers have Skype, I can be reached at somali_pirate_rep023.

Good day,
Ryan

How Did This Get Here?

Using a rope a piece of wood to sit on, these brave fellows repel down the side of my building to clean the windows. I was trying to explain to them, that the windows on the 25th floor were still a bit streaky, but they were all like "Hey guy, we're dangling off the roof by a string and some wood, cut us some slack, eh."

I am just saying, that there is something to be said for getting the job done right the first time.

Open Letter to the Somali Pirates

Ahoy hoy-

First, let me start off by saying, I am a huge admirer of your work. The fact that you even exist completely blows my mind. Secondly, I want to tell you that I understand you (as much as anyone from Wisconsin can). I understand your thirst of a time when plundering booty meant something totally different than in the parlance of our times—when people appreciated the thrill of thieving on the high seas. What I like about you guys is that you're not even a dying breed, you're almost extinct and nothing is really known about you.

Some say you fund terrorism (which we'll have to talk about). Some say you're just a bunch of jerks who hang out and wait for vulnerable ships to cruise around the horn. And some people just say "There are STILL pirates? Wait Somali pirates?!"

Your campaigns have been rather successful. I mean, more than two dozen reported ships have been hijacked off of the coast of your country this year. It seems that you're doing okay for yourselves. But...it could be going a bit better.

I have a proposal.

You need a face for your organization. You need a business man. A negotiator. You need someone who is gonna stand for pirate justice. For example, you stole a bunch of tanks and some other weapons that were going to Kenya or Sudan, depending on whom you ask and you ask for $20 million ransom. Your bluff was called and you LOWERED the amount. And your bluff was called again and you LOWERED it again! And again! Guys, this is NOT how ransom works. Pretty soon you'll be settling for a couple lamps and some pocket lint.

I propose that we have a civil meeting with the Somali Pirate Union™ and we'll work out a plan. We'll get you some more PR so that people aren't constantly surprised by your existence and we'll go through some ransom training. Plus we'll get you some proper pirate gear.

Please, take your time. You don't have to answer me right now. But just think it over, put it to a vote and let's promote plundering in the future.

Good day,
Ryan