Ahoy hoy-
First, let me start off by saying, I am a huge admirer of your work. The fact that you even exist completely blows my mind. Secondly, I want to tell you that I understand you (as much as anyone from Wisconsin can). I understand your thirst of a time when plundering booty meant something totally different than in the parlance of our times—when people appreciated the thrill of thieving on the high seas. What I like about you guys is that you're not even a dying breed, you're almost extinct and nothing is really known about you.
Some say you fund terrorism (which we'll have to talk about). Some say you're just a bunch of jerks who hang out and wait for vulnerable ships to cruise around the horn. And some people just say "There are STILL pirates? Wait Somali pirates?!"
Your campaigns have been rather successful. I mean, more than two dozen reported ships have been hijacked off of the coast of your country this year. It seems that you're doing okay for yourselves. But...it could be going a bit better.
I have a proposal.
You need a face for your organization. You need a business man. A negotiator. You need someone who is gonna stand for pirate justice. For example, you stole a bunch of tanks and some other weapons that were going to Kenya or Sudan, depending on whom you ask and you ask for $20 million ransom. Your bluff was called and you LOWERED the amount. And your bluff was called again and you LOWERED it again! And again! Guys, this is NOT how ransom works. Pretty soon you'll be settling for a couple lamps and some pocket lint.
I propose that we have a civil meeting with the Somali Pirate Union™ and we'll work out a plan. We'll get you some more PR so that people aren't constantly surprised by your existence and we'll go through some ransom training. Plus we'll get you some proper pirate gear.
Please, take your time. You don't have to answer me right now. But just think it over, put it to a vote and let's promote plundering in the future.
Good day,
Ryan
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